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[04 Aug 2006|04:24pm]
yesterday i found out how far i am going to have to step out of my comfort zone if i want to go to a conservatory. but oh the rewards i will have if i get accepted!

if i attend shenandoah university's conservatory after high school i won't have to take regular classes like math and english. music is THE FOCUS and foreign languages are also required, but wow. happiness does not even describe the feeling. i just kinda wish i knew what to expect as far as how good you actually have to be to get in.

i am so bewildered.
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[02 Aug 2006|10:50pm]
it is so hot all the time. riding in the car is pretty much unbearable.
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[01 Aug 2006|06:25pm]
I feel like I left a part of me in Georgia that I will never see again. I don't feel radically different, but I find myself wishing I could have the same feelings I got so used to for two weeks. More than anything I want to be able to maintain all the same relationships I had pre-Firespark! and during it... but it's just impossible.
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[28 Jul 2006|01:16pm]
I am at Firespark! (camp) in Georgia right now, sitting in Journalism class. There's not much to do so I decided to revive this thing. I'm leaving tomorrow and going to Six Flags in Atlanta with ma famille.
These past two weeks have really taken a toll on my emotions and mental state, issues I won't really get into at this time because I need to stop thinking about it anyway. I've definitely had fun but I'm not used to being such a little fish in a big pond and to be honest this scares me to death. I'm still unsure as to whether or not my insecurity is age-related or if it's something that I really need to work on because it's not going to pass unless I do something about it. Basically I need constant reassurance in order to feel important. It's just a bad situation.
Virginia in 2 days, I believe.
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[22 Nov 2005|05:34pm]
this afternoon i walked the streets of blackstone, just me and my ipod. as i shuffled along to the beat of the songs in my ears, i re-examined the houses and sidewalks of my hometown as though looking at them for the first time. each song sparked a new emotion; each song had a different tempo, which i kept up with as i walked. i looked at the people in the cars, looking at me. the cold wind on my face didn't discourage me from pressing on. the aching in my calves didn't stop me. as the sun fell on the horizon and the sky turned brilliant shades of pink, blue, and purple, i raced myself home with all of my remaining energy. sparky hobbled up to greet me, wagging his tail. sunny took a few quick steps in my direction and then sat on her haunches, wearing an expression that resembled a smile.
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[03 Nov 2005|06:06pm]
in less than an hour my family will go to church to take pictures together. i'm interested to see what kind of chaos will ensue, because if i know my family like i think i do, something will go down. i personally detest having my picture taken and i try to avoid it at all costs. unfortunately i think that in this situation, there is no way out.

i'm supposed to sing the national anthem at the football game tomorrow night but i haven't decided whether or not i'm going to do it because i've had this cold all week and it could have an adverse effect on my voice. i feel bad telling them i can't sing, considering they have no one else to do it. but i guess they'd rather me do that than shame our school and our country by delivering a bad rendition of the star spangled banner.

naps really ruin my mood.
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[31 Oct 2005|08:38pm]
so i'm sick. sick with a cold. i'm taking vitamin c twice a day, drinking orange juice and hot tea, and trying to get a sufficient amount of rest. i suppose the fun i had at tricia's party on saturday was worth getting this cold. it's my own fault i have it, so i can't really complain. i've got a million things to do but no drive to do them. i had the most lovely nap during revolutionary war today. i'd already seen the movie we were watching so dr. allen allowed me to take a little cat nap instead. the idea of being allowed to sleep at school was so exciting that it made it hard to get to sleep. but boy was it nice.
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[28 Oct 2005|02:10pm]
britainy told me to do this. i do everything she says.
actually, i don't, i just can't think of anything to say.
last night was death cab. it rocked. hard.
all i know is, i need to make some halloween cupcakes but i don't like to bake alone.
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[22 Oct 2005|02:39pm]
[ mood | blah ]

i'm a sad person. so sad that i'm spending my saturday down at my parent's furniture store, the place where i would be working, but i have the day off. i just got so bored at home that i decided to come down here. like it's more interesting or something. last night i drove to richmond by myself for the first time ever. i had one minor mishap in which i tried to get to the opposite side of a four-lane highway without getting into the turning lane. needless to say i was unsuccessful. we celebrated will's birthday at olive garden, complete with the singing and chocolate cake which britainy and i missed because we were in the bathroom. matt came over after i got home. i was so insanely tired for no apparent reason other than the fact that driving to richmond took so much out of me. gosh i'm getting a headache.

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[19 Oct 2005|02:04pm]
[ mood | amused ]

it's funny how little things can make you so happy. i'm listening to the little kids attempting to recite the russian alphabet in the library and it's just so entertaining. i respect these children for knowing about russian, although i don't think many of them are really learning it very well. they all just sit there staring at the cyrillic characters she writes on the board and mumbling something that resembles what she's saying. learning is beautiful. it really is.

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[14 Oct 2005|04:48pm]
i refuse to become an indie film for you to marvel at. i simply won't do it.
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[14 Oct 2005|01:56pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

oh the sacrifices we make for people we love(?). and for some reason, they don't seem like sacrifices. the haze that we're surrounded by once we take that plunge is so thick that it's impossible to see our way out. the future. the not so distant future. and for the first time ever, the future i'm trying to see is way further than it's ever been. it seems neverending. and it scares me. but on the other hand, it's sort of comforting, in a strange way. i'm at a fork. a fork that really doesn't put any pressure on me and the choices at hand but will seem much more important in hindsight. there's no way around it but out. and it's not time for out yet.

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[12 Oct 2005|10:50pm]
oh gosh i feel so yuck right now. we had psats and scholastic bowl today, so needless to say i'm tired. i'm sitting here watching made on mtv and feeling like i should go to bed but i have an obligation to finish this television program. my eyes are tired, my brain is fried, and i feel like i have taken in wayyy too many calories today. this cheerleading show is making me want to do stretches, but i feel fatigued so that's kind of impossible.
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[29 Sep 2005|05:59pm]
so tomorrow is the homecoming game. but for some reason, all week i've been wondering why this year feels different. usually homecoming puts me in one of those really special moods, the kind usually reserved for christmas and birthdays. well, not quite THAT excited, but you get the picture. i thought maybe it was because the seniors last year were a much more school-spirited class than any of us. i think that's partly it. but then i started really pondering over the subject and i realized that this is the first year that i haven't been a football cheerleader. for the past 3 or 4 years, i've been so busy with school-related pandemonium my head was spinning. this year, it's nothing like that. i'm just sort of going through the motions of homecoming week without thinking about it. most of my close friends aren't even going to the homecoming dance. i don't even feel like a highschool student. everything just feels strange.
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[08 Jul 2005|05:00pm]
Anna will die soon.
I don't want to lose her yet... but I'm tired of trying.
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[06 Mar 2005|10:57pm]
I was cleaning my room today and listening to a cd I burned a few months ago. A song came on I had totally forgotten about and I stopped and stood there for a minute, thinking about it. And I realized, I'm okay. Completely.
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[12 Feb 2005|01:11pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I understand country music.

I'm sitting here at work, bored out of my mind, listening to Lite 98 or something like that. And some country song came on the radio. Country music is written by people who feel nostalgic but don't know how to express themselves uniquely. You know, those ballads... the ones they play at school dances. They make you feel like you're in one of those movies where the couple is spending their last night together, because tomorrow one of them is leaving forever. And it's strange, even though I hate country music, being nostalgic made me much more tolerant of it.

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[06 Feb 2005|11:32am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

So last night Kate picked me up and we went to the The Studio to see Doris and LD play. It was pretty cramped in there... but still okay. Overall I guess I kind of enjoyed myself. I saw some people I hadn't in a long while. I got kind of bored since we weren't playing. Caleb took us home and he and Justine stayed here for a few minutes. Tricia ended up spending the night, too. If you want to know what we did, you can read Kate's lj.

Anyway, last night while Kate was changing I was watching music videos and a Kelly Clarkson video came on. It just struck me as kind of weird, how a person can go from nothing to a household name from one television show.

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[04 Feb 2005|11:34pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

We had band practice today and I went to the basketball game with Kate. Patrick drove us around for a while because I didn't feel like singing the National Anthem. I sat in the back seat, sipping my coffee and trying to guess what Patrick and Kate were saying, because the music was so loud I couldn't hear. I started thinking about high school and how this year is going to be over soon. People are going to leave. We stopped at the movie theater and I didn't get out because my parents were in there. Kate and Patrick went in and I sat there and played with my cell phone. I started reading all my old text messages and trying to figure out how to change the sound it makes when I receive one. My search was in vain however, because I could not figure it out. I really want to change that sound though, because it really makes me nervous when I hear "low beeps". As soon as those beeps reach my ears I start freaking out internally. Oh well.

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[03 Feb 2005|02:09pm]
I dreamed I was in London with ma mère. She said we didn't have much time before we had to leave, so I could choose one more thing to do. I said I wanted fish & chips. She seemed kind of surprised but we went and got some anyway. We ended up having time for one last thing. There was a large, rectangular, tan stone statue in the middle of the river. Painted on it was a beautiful blue eye. To get over to it, you had to find your owns means of transportation; there wasn't a ferry or anything. My mother and I swam over to it, and found that there was some kind of cage under the water connected to the statue. I looked in the cage and saw the body of a girl who looked to be about eight or nine. Someone said she had been dead for about a hundred years. I told my mother that was impossible, you can't keep dead bodies in water for that long, they will rot. I looked closer and saw that the girl had a long, pink pinkie fingernail. All of a sudden, I had a flashback. But it wasn't one of my own, I was seeing through the dead girl's eyes. I was underwater in the river, looking up. I was drowning, and I saw the face of Jim Morrison reaching for me. Then I died. "What if she had lived?" I wondered. My eyes opened back up and Jim Morrison pulled me to the surface.

Then I woke up.
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